What I Discovered from Thinking About Writing So Far

I'm still thinking about it. And I suspect this doesn't make for interesting reading, but I need to sort it out and maybe crowdsourcing will help.

This is what soul-searching uncovered:

1. I may be having trouble with my medications (depression/sleeplessness). Keeping an eye on that.
2. What got me interested in writing part 1: Writing is fun to play with. It turns nebulous pieces of imagination into a captivating work of art.
3. What got me interested in writing part 2: expressing my emotions. This is why I want to be heard -- because expressing them is not enough, as anyone who's posted a frustrating story on Facebook only to get no responses knows.
4. What kept me in writing part 1: Learning more about it; perfecting my craft. 
5. What kept me in writing part 2: The possibility of getting published. I'm a little bit addicted to recognition, and I haven't been getting much from my day job in oh, say, the last ten years. 

Then I evaluated the status of the above:

1. I readjusted the dosage of a suspected medication (the label suggests a range of dosage as needed), and have yet to see whether that fixes the depression and sleepiness. If not, other action needs to be taken.
2. Writing is still fun to play with. Lots of fun. I love subverting paradigms -- a romance novel where neither of the characters are beautiful, a battle without violence, a fantasy that involves very ordinary people who have powers and are still very ordinary. This might be part of the reason I'm not ready for prime time genre fiction. I don't know.
3. I can still express my emotions while writing. I don't know how I feel about posting my works not knowing if any live persons read them or what they think/feel.
4. I still love perfecting my craft. I've learned all I can on my own, and it hasn't gotten me published, so I suspect it's not enough. Now I need a professional developmental editor. I can't afford an editor right now because I'm the only earner in the household. I've learned all I can from non-professional editors as well. 
5. I just don't know where this stands. Agents pick what they like, which is what they know and what they think they can sell. Rejections can mean they don't like my work, they don't think it will sell, and/or they're not familiar with my style. I don't know which, because the only critique I ever got back was "brush up your query letter", which I did. There's no way of knowing with form letters. I still have stuff out there, however.

Deep down, I had a fantasy that people would say "Don't stop writing! I like your stuff!", but that's a fantasy that doesn't lend itself to adulthood. In adulthood, I have the ultimate decision to continue, or not continue, or give up sending queries and just write novels (six with two partial documents on the way), or go back to just writing poetry for myself. 

I haven't decided yet. Any comments would be appreciated.