A Writer's Confession

After the great reception I got for yesterday's "No Coffee" post, I wonder if I should label every one of my writings as "No Coffee". Ok, I guess not -- it's perhaps a bit disingenuous to do so, like carving a ten-foot man out of gypsum and dirtying him up a bit and saying you dug him up in your backyard.

To be genuine, I have to confess some things:

1. Sometimes, I daydream about getting published and critics remarking that I have Something to Say. In reality, getting an agent is one struggle, getting published is another, people even reading what you have to say is yet another.
2. I don't want to get published badly enough that I want to write with a commercial sales end in mind. I don't have to support myself with my books, and I don't want to write for the market. For those who read in the SF/F genre, I want to be Ursula LeGuin, not Laurell K. Hamilton. There's nothing wrong with the latter, but her books offer lots of gore and over-the-top (and I mean over-the-top) sex and not a lot of thinking. In other words, she writes for a mass paperback market that wants fast gratification. I'm not sure wanting people to think is necessarily a good thing, but I can't write like Laurell K. Hamilton. 
3. I often doubt my ability to write. I wonder if my intros are catchy enough. I wonder if enough happens in my books. I never wonder about my characters, because I know that's my strong point. 
4. I do often wonder, even if I'm not depressed, whether I will put writing down eventually. I have seven novels with two on the way, plus one or two non-fiction items. I'm currently feeling more rewarded by the seedlings in my basement -- so far, a god-awful number of cardoon, so many that I can't put all of them in my garden; the tomatoes/peppers/eggplant that were just planted; the moringa tree's new shoots after I thought it had died; the seeds in peat moss in the refrigerator so they'll sprout in a couple months. I plant them and am rewarded by visible growth. They live in the garden and feed my husband and I. Sometimes the plants fail, but it's easy to learn how to keep them alive next time.
5. We still have no coffee. Our bean order is coming in today, and if I'm really lucky, I'll have time to make a pot at work (New Guinea, great for a press pot!) .

I do think I'll continue writing, at least for a while. My reasons, however, may change. My books bear fruit, if only for myself, and that will have to be enough.