I can tell I'm under much stress when my psyche asks for external gratification -- not help, but gratification. "I've been good, God, where's my cookie?"
The origin of this was discovering as a child that cookies could improve my mood by giving me a serotonin rush. Of course, I didn't understand "serotonin rush" as such; just that sugar made me feel better. Thus began my lifetime relationship with carbs, one that gives me trouble to this day.
When I was older, "cookies" took another form, external validation. Attention from cute boys at first, then recognition for my writing, and sometimes hoping the Bluebird of Capital would drop some money in my lap.
Good things, however, don't come on demand, and if they did, they wouldn't be the surprise that could lift spirits. They would be expected. So I don't really want the cookies I want, and I'm aware of that. And no amount of what you don't need will replace what you do need, as Bernard Poduska pointed out in his book Till Debt Do Us Part.
What do I need? Rest, self-care, a break from the semester, all of which I will get soon.
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