One of my dreams has been to get traditionally published. Lately, I feel like I've been held hostage by that dream.
The original reason I started writing novels instead of short fiction was because I wanted more recognition (readers) than I would get with short fiction. I wanted to establish myself as a recognized writer.
The reason I wanted to establish myself as a writer was because of what has happened to me for the past several years.
Eight years ago, two things happened at once that turned my life upside-down: my department was disbanded by the university, and I subsequently was diagnosed with Bipolar II after the stress pushed me into a severe mixed (hypomanic/depressed) episode.
I have moods were too good. The medication I take evens out my moods, so I don't have depression. But I don't have my euphoric episodes that I mistook for self-esteem either. So I don't look at myself as that amazing person anymore, and I realize that I wasn't, and am not, amazing at my job. (I still have low-level depression, and I'm not as quick at things as I was when hypomanic.)
Back to the writing. I fell into writing because I wanted people to think I was amazing. I wanted to compensate for how I'm doing at work. I wanted to feel I was good at something, and I'm a bit addicted to external validation.
Where does this leave me? I don't think it's likely that I will get traditionally published, given the market. I don't think I will ever get the recognition I crave.
What I need to do is learn how to live with it.
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