Redbird

I was 25, and I was going through a hard time in my life. I faced waves of agitation and depression, flashbacks, a relationship in flux -- and a persistent feeling that there were evil influences lurking in my life. The latter may have been the fact that my bipolar was not at that time treated, or it could have been that I believed in those things at the time. Or those could have been one and the same.

One day, I was in a neighborhood in Champaign I hadn't been in before -- it was a sleepy boulevard, complete with mini-park tucked into the median. I had gone there because I had a bad crush on someone even as my maybe-boyfriend gave me mixed signals -- and I wanted to see where he lived. (I don't think I ever devolved to the point of being a stalker, but I worried about it some nights.)

I was sitting on the bench in the mini-park, watching the occasional car drive laconically by, and suddenly I felt a feeling of dread, ominous dread, blossom from my stomach through my body. Something bad was going to happen -- I could imagine the strains of foreboding music in the background.

And then a cardinal called. I looked up, and he sat on a phone line directly above me, flame red and stalwart. I felt a flush of calm pass through me. He launched himself in the air and landed on a tree branch a few feet away, then stayed there. I followed him there, and this dance continued until I was away from the boulevard. 

I was safe.

**********

Almost thirty years later, I don't know what to make of this still. Yes, the feeling of foreboding may have been from the tricks that bipolar plays with the body. Remember as well that mania triggers the religious/mystical elements of the brain. 

But the bird was real. Whether it was a cardinal acting peculiarly or a flame-feathered spirit guiding me to safety, I will never know. I will not pretend to know -- there is no certainty in mysticism. But there is one more story:

During that same time period, I left a party because I felt like I was barely holding myself together inside a great glass bubble that distanced me from everyone. My heart was breaking, and at the same time, I was afraid that I would be taken advantage of by someone or something malign if I opened up. A friend of mine walked me home from the party to protect me from what I felt was out there (Scott May, if you're reading this, thank you. I never appreciated you enough).

I got home and was lying in bed shivering and hugging myself. All of a sudden, I heard a commotion just outside the window and saw a cardinal, male and shining red against the lowering clouds, fighting a starling with its black, speckled wings. 

I heard a voice in my mind: "Do I have to knock you out to help you?"

"Yes," I thought back.

I instantly fell asleep.

*******

I have to wait for dreams now to have these experiences, possibly because of the medication, possibly because of the fact that I'm older and busier and not accustomed to living between worlds anymore. I don't know what the "real" interpretation is, but the belief that the redbird was a kind spirit that protected me against malign forces makes for a better story.