Love languages and your characters.

According to The Five Love Languages (Chapman 1995), we predominantly express and perceive love in one of five ways:

• gift giving
• quality time
• words of affirmation
• acts of service (devotion)
• intimacy. 

Now keep in mind that there are many different kinds of love -- the ancient Greeks, who remain the experts in categorizing types of love, named:

• agape, or love for the world
• ludus, or playful love (this word has the same root as "ludicrous")
• phila, or deep friendship (this word has the same root as "Philadelphia")
• eros, or sexual/sensual love
• pragma, or longstanding love (this word has the same root as "pragmatic")
• philautia, or love of self.

Because there are different types of love, we can apply the love languages to any significant relationships, from friendships (phila) to old couples (pragma) to passionate lovers (eros) to mutual crushes (ludus). These Greek labels describe types of love, but not how they're expressed.

Each of these types of love could be expressed in one of the five love languages. In reality, we may use more than one love language, but not be fluent in all five, which causes relationship problems when the other person speaks different love languages. This can cause conflict -- both in terms of real life and in terms of a story.

For example, you could have a character whose main love language was acts of service, so he thought he was saying "I love you" when he made the bed in the morning. His spouse, on the other hand, expected words of devotion, and thought his making the bed was just performing the daily chores. Both felt unloved as a result, until they got into an argument:

"What do you mean, you make the bed because you love me? That's something you're supposed to be doing! Are you telling me you see me cooking dinner as a sign of devotion toward you?" she screeched.

"Well, yes," he snapped.

"You gotta be shitting me."

(Ah, the miracle of love!)

Many romance novels depend on this misunderstanding trope, whether or not the writers are unaware of love languages. The man is silent and devoted to protecting the woman (but does limited service in other areas such as housework), and expresses himself with acts of devotion and intimacy (sexual only, as emotional intimacy seems lost on the strong, silent type).  The woman misinterprets this as "he only wants to have sex" at the same time she's irresistibly drawn to the sex. The man, because of his devotional love language, marries the woman to protect her from anything from unwed pregnancy to eviction, and the woman interprets this as duty because the man won't actually admit he loves her, apparently because he believes that uttering words of affirmation before the last chapter will unman him. 

So a word to the wise: understand your characters' love languages. Understand your friends' love languages. Watch what they do, watch what they encourage you to do. Don't expect them to understand your language; learn theirs.

Chapman, G. (1995). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Committment to your Mate. Northfield Publishing.