My next steps are:
- Waking up my beta-readers for Mythos and see if they're having trouble starting the document or it's just life stuff keeping them from reading.
- Finishing Hearts are Mountains
- Revising Prodigies and Hearts are Mountains
- Find more beta-readers
- Keep myself from falling into an ugly cycle
More on the ugly cycle. I'm struggling in the aftermath of Anthony Bourdain's suicide. I think it's hitting me, even though I didn't know him personally, but because I share his philosophy of experiencing cultures through their foods. I don't have the ability to travel as much as he did, but I still let that desire for adventures with people and hospitality to guide my steps.
I'm also struggling with it because I've had times where I have had suicidal ideations, those moments where I consider dying as the only way to get rid of an avalanche of pain. The surprising thing is that these moments don't often happen in a depressive state. They're just as likely to happen when there's a triggering event that results in a downward spiral of emotion. During these times, I actually try to talk myself into a suicidal state out of habit, choosing the darkest and most miserable things to think about. The typical dark thoughts go as follows:
- I'm not good enough
- I'm too weird
- Nobody loves me/cares about me.
These are hard to argue against, because they're opinion and not fact. Depending on one's yardsticks, my viewpoint is just as legit as an outsider's, and my proofs are just as valid as someone else's. Fighting these rationally only drives me further down the hole.
What I have to remember is that these feelings come from a place deep inside me, where my child-self hides and needs to know that she is loved no matter what. And she wants to test it and make it real, because she's been disappointed too many times.
I love her and will stay with her no matter what. I will not threaten to leave her if she's not perfect, or if she's a bit embarrassing. I will always be here for her no matter if she panics, or she snaps at me or argues with me.
I will not let her fall.
No comments:
Post a Comment
I believe that everyone here comes with good intent. If you come to spoil my assumptions by verbal abuse, excessive profanity, spam or other abuses I had not considered, I reserve the right to delete your notes or delete your participation. I am the arbiter of what violates good intent.