I go through periods of time when I have dark thoughts. Most people don't talk about their dark thoughts, unless rhey are screaming at God (a pretty healthy thing to do) or if a very talented therapist pulls them out. I have had very talented therapists and I didn't even talk to them about the dark thoughts.
The dark thoughts are like existential questions, but the answers already seem set in stone. Thoughts like "I have not contributed anything to the world". "I don't feel like I truly know anyone", "I have always been weird (which is worse than strange, I could accept strange)", "Nobody would miss me if I died"... And that's where the abyss opens up and swallows me.
With my imagination, it seems like I should fantasize about my heroic self fighting my way out of the dank forest, but part of the darkness is that I do not believe that I deserve good. I get triggered by failures, small and large, and how could there be a hero within me?
I wish I could tell you that all it takes to get me out of dark thoughts is for someone (my husband for example) to say, "But I love you! You're worthwhile! People would miss you if you died!" It's not as easy as that. I can argue with the best; I'm capable of convincing you that I have no intrinsic value.
Sometimes something breaks through. Sincere words to hug to myself, small gestures, a chance encounter on the street. A memory of something that went well. Writing things that we're not supposed to talk about, like dark thoughts.
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