Saturday, August 29, 2020

Who I am and why I write

 I haven't done this for a while, so...

My name is Lauren Leach-Steffens, and I am 57 years old, about to turn 58 in a couple weeks. I don't feel that old unless I try to sleep on the ground while camping, and then I feel every year of that and more. When I am not writing, I teach college at a small midwestern regional university. I'm an associate professor who has had tenure for the past 15 years.

I am a writer. I write contemporary fantasy, with the philosophy that the unusual is hidden in plain sight for those who know to look. My world, which looks much the same as this one, hides preternatural beings, people with hidden talents, and legends that shape the earth for lifetimes.

I first declared myself a writer at age seven, when my third grade teacher posted my Groundhog Day poem on the classroom door. I remember going home and telling my mother I wanted to be a poet when I grew up. She asked me if I wanted to eat, and I was the sort of person who liked cookies more than just about anything. So I said "Yes," and my mother informed me that poets starved. It was then I set aside my dream of becoming a poet.

It wasn't that I quit writing. I wrote poetry and stories all throughout school. In fifth grade, I got roped into writing a poem for a high school neighbor (even though it was cheating) -- he got an A. My eighth grade English teacher collected two years' worth of poetry and gave it back to me to keep when I left eighth grade.

I wrote poems and short stories (although I know now they were more character sketches) throughout my life, even as I was working on my PhD, but I didn't make much of it. I didn't revise for publication, I didn't let people read them, I didn't publish them.

And then, five years ago, I started writing a series of short stories and character sketches around a general plot line, and my husband said, "If you're going to write all these stories about the same thing, you might as well write a novel." 

I didn't think I could. But as I started writing, I came up with a first draft. A problematic first draft that I am still revising. But then I wrote another and another.

My novels have not been published yet, but I have had short stories and poetry published and recognized -- an essay in A3 Review, poems in Sad Girl and by Riza Press, short stories that have won honorable mention by Cook Publishing and New Millennium Writings and Sunspots, to name a few. 

I have dreams -- getting one of those novels published, getting published in a more selective journal (even though I write fantasy), getting something to really brag about. But for now, I write, and I continue writing. 



Friday, August 28, 2020

Optimism

 I grew up in a household where optimism was terminated with extreme prejudice. "Don't look forward to anything -- you might get disappointed," my mother would say, as her mother said before her and so on.

As a result, I am wary of my optimism. Whenever I submit a query to a publisher or agent, whenever I submit a poem or short story to a website or literary journal, my mind fantasizes about getting that acceptance, that stamp of approval that is going to change my life forever, and the nagging Mom-voice kicks in with the family legacy,

 


 

Most of the time, I don't get accepted. With my short stories and poems, I think I have a 10% publishing rate, which isn't bad. I haven't gotten more than an honorable mention in a "high literary" outfit. Which isn't bad, but maybe not life-changing.

As for the novel front, I haven't gotten an agent or publisher yet despite a whole lot of improving and improving and editing and rewriting and querying and ... yet every time I submit I daydream about how I'll get picked up and my life will change.

And I will get disappointed again. Which is why I distrust my optimism. Which is the wrong thing to do.

There is nothing wrong with optimism. It helps me motivate for another try. It puts a bounce in my step. It enhances my day. Sure, I might get my hopes crushed (90% of the time I do) but the optimism is worth it.              

So I will stay optimistic despite my internal Mom-voice trying to ruin all my fun. It might pay off in the end.                                  

Thursday, August 27, 2020

I don't know what I'm doing.

 


 

I figured out why it is I really want to be traditionally published. Set all the fame and fortune* aside, the reason I really want to be traditionally published is the management prospect.

I'm really bad at the things traditional publication is good at -- Marketing and advertising, book covers, etc. I want to be told what to do at this point in my career. I want to be told, "here are your choices for book cover. Here's what we expect you to do to help market. Do some book tours here and here."

If I self-publish, I have to figure out a "writing platform", which is in effect a sales platform. Other than a Twitter account with 4500 followers and a Facebook page with 100 followers, I don't know what that would be.

There's so many things I don't know about marketing a book.** I don't know how to find the right cover art. I don't know how to market. I can't see myself selling over 100 books, and I know I would do better with traditional.

So I'm still undecided. I'm still hoping to get picked up traditionally, trying to improve my cover letters and my outlines and my pitches. I think my books have potential; I just need to find that way in.

*************

*Fortune? Not unless you're Nora Roberts/JD Robb. Most of us won't make a living of it.

**I know a little about designing a book cover. I know that followers are a big part of marketing. I have a blog and a website for selling for when I actually have a book out. But I don't know how to do this well.

Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Class, COVID, and time




 I'm finding it hard to find time to write lately. Teaching in COVID-19 is hard work. My average class is taught live, recorded on ZOOM, and taped for further reference. This way, if a student is well, they attend. If a student is quarantined or isolated, they join a Zoom session. If they're really sick, they watch the recorded version later.

It's hard to manage. I'm still having technical difficulties three days later. I hope the students are forgiving, because I'm doing the best I can. One class I have enough distancing that I'm probably safe with a face shield; the other class is impossible to get distancing in, so we're doing our best to listen.

One of the hardest adjustments for me is to trivial I don't even want to mention it. But I will: I can't stand not wearing lipstick. It rubs off on masks, no matter what type I try. When I take my mask off, I feel naked. I am convinced my lips are the best part of my face, and they're -- not there. 

Still trying to solve that trivial problem.


****

 We officially have 52 students out with COVID; not sure who's just quarantined to help stop the spread. This is less than I expected the first week.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

A Convalescing Chloe


 

 

 Sorry I'm running late today, but I had to take Chloe to the vet for what ended up being an infected cat bite on her foot. Despite our efforts to keep the other cats quarantined from little Chloe, Me-Me keeps barging in, and occasionally they get in a scrap.

Chloe is sitting next to me today -- no, she's not sitting. She's making an immense effort to stand, which isn't happening because she's wobbly from the sedation she's gone through to get her abscess drained. 

So right now (blesssedly I have a work-at-home day) I am supervising the wobbly little monster. She isn't feeling much like being petted; she's laying on the bed next to me trying to escape ... somewhere. I'm not sure she knows where, because I don't think she can see straight yet. She sort of stands up, wobbles, and falls over. She's scared of me but doesn't mind curling up next to me. I feel so bad for her!

There are worse things than trying to get your work done next to a wobbly cat.

Monday, August 24, 2020

Finding the Story in the Dream

 

 

I finally found motivation yesterday! It came in the form of a dream, a dream that involved a man I had a crush on, escaping from his hoodlum associates, and gossiping with women I didn't know. 

 The story I wrote had nothing to do with hoodlums or gossip, but everything to do with crushes and letting them go.  It took interpreting the dream to come up with the connection.

I don't do Gestalt analysis anymore, where you tell the dream from the perspective of every significant person and object in the dream, mostly because that gets very long and dry. I also don't think it's a superior method anymore. Instead, my husband and I reflect together on how each significant scene parallels real life. 

If you are going to do this method, you must be very aware that 1) you are aware of the symbolic aspects of dreams, and 2) many of the aspects of dreams relate to your recent thoughts and experiences. I came across this method of dream analysis when a friend and I noted how my dreams paralleled the events of a full but idyllic day we had spent the day before.

So, this was what came out of the dream: I was looking in on a concert in the next room (crowded, night club) and guy I had a crush on was crowdsurfing right past the window but he wouldn't look at me. Sounds like an unrequited crush to me.

Then, I'm in a room with crush and I start yelling at him about ignoring me. He listens, denies ignoring me, and then nods, and his henchmen (Eastern European bug guys, buzz cuts, dressed in black) start wrestling me. I break away and walk out. Crush has just had a bachelor party; the henchmen are anologous.

After that I break out and end up in a shopping mall. (No idea of what that's symbolic of; I'd say finding another crush but I'm married, so it's not something I'm seeking out although crushes make for great poetry) and run into some women in the bathroom (cleansing oneself?) I gossip about what happened previously.

 So there's the dream, all about releasing a crush. 

The story I wrote? It's about a woman who had a two-week fling with Oberon, king of Faerie; it ended abruptly when she asked to go to Faerie and he had to refuse her. When he returns to take her there thirty years later, she surprises him with her answer.

 Same thing, yet so different. That is the power of a dream. 

Saturday, August 22, 2020

A Day for Writing

 

 

I am going to push myself into writing today. COVID has made me less inclined to write, as has editing all summer (and I'm still editing Gaia's Hands) and a general sense of not knowing where to go. But today is a good time to start, because I'm going to have the whole day to myself --

My brain just asked, "Why not sleep? You haven't gotten a good sleep for a while!" That's true; my kitten Chloe has been waking me up with these claws-out zoomies across the bed. But I want to feel like I've accomplished something -- and loading up Tweetdeck with my #PitMad entries two weeks in advance isn't enough. I need to feel like something is going forward.

I'm struggling between staying at home and going out to the Game Cafe. The former has a too-familiar, uninspiring atmosphere. The latter has everything I need, but I'm afraid of getting overcaffeinated. 

 Tough decision. Hmmm...

But the bigger decision is what I'm going to write.  I would feel better writing a short story right now than writing on Gaia's Hands because that feels like so much work without reward. I'm not liking it for vague reasons and I don't know how to fix what I'm not liking. The story right now feels like a bucket that takes endless water to fill.  

 I am wondering if I should free-write to see if there's a new story in here. My short story plots in the past have included a child trying to get back with her friends, who have been captured by the wee folk; a vampire at a NA meeting.; a woman with bipolar disorder who believes she is the avatar of a wrathful God; a parody of a noir detective story; a story about a woman's asshole inner child escaping; two buddy stories set in space; a story about cultural differences and a second chance; an immortal who falls in love with an elderly woman and has to learn about death; a few others. 

Maybe I need to stir up my psyche with ideas that turn into stories. These stories have come from visual images I've experienced; prompts from contests; dreams; flippant self-inquiry, and character development for novels. 

My dreams lately consist of equipment failure and taking my clothes off in the middle of the hallway at work. And ex-boyfriends wanting to come back with me and telling me I'm the only one. (I don't believe them.)

  Maybe I'll try prompts from contests...

Friday, August 21, 2020

Need to get back into writing

 

 

 I need to get back into writing, back into feeling like I'm a writer.

It's this semester, I know it. It's been nonstop work and seat of the pants improvisation. It's been scrambling for a foothold. 

It's been two days, for God's sake.

If there's anyone else having trouble writing, I feel for you. I feel for me. This has been an insane year.

Does anyone have any ideas for short stories? I feel like if I could get a short story written this weekend, I might feel better about the writing thing. Fantasy, light or dark, would work for me. I suppose I could write something on a plain insightful fiction riff, but can't come up with those myself. 

So, send those prompts in, and hopefully I will be inspired.

Thursday, August 20, 2020

Wow, that was disastrous!

 

 

 My first day of class was a technological disaster.

It started with my email program (Outlook) displaying an unredeemable glitch. The program told me there was a corrupted file, let me repair it, and lo and behold -- the file was not repaired. And I could not use Outlook. On a day where 20 or more students required my attention.

Then my Zoom link disappeared. So all my students were in a chat room that I couldn't access. So I sent them a new link and most of them found me.

I was rehearsing what it would be like with Zoom/in-class at the same time, because that well could happen this semester. This required the spiffy new camera and microphone I got yesterday. The setup seemed to work just fine -- until I got to the classroom, and then the screen got twitchy, turning itself on and off.

In the morning class, I just about passed out. I think this was an artifact of some vigorous walking, lack of water, and nerves. But I plowed through and got through my first day.

Today I troubleshoot my computer and rehearse with the microphone and camera. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, August 19, 2020

No, I'm okay. Really.

 

 

 My first day back in a classroom since March:


AAAAAAAGH!

 No, I'm fine. It doesn't have to be perfect. I've got this.

 

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Needing a little push

 

 

 I'm rethinking my relationship with being a writer.

Is getting published worth it? I'm contemplating not doing #PitMad (a Twitter manuscript pitching contest) on the 3rd of September. It's hardly anything to set up, but I'm so tired of no nibbles. I'm just tired of trying.

This may be part of a general depressive trend. There's so much pressing down on me, most of it having to do with going back to work under COVID. There's nothing I can do except wear that mask, sanitize surfaces, and pray.

This is not the way I want to be. I want to be productive. I want to accomplish something. I want to get published, if only I could figure out how to do that. 

What I can do is just keep doing -- keep writing, keep trying to publish, meet with my classes whether in person or online, and have as good a semester as I can manage. Because if I don't do things, they certainly won't happen. 

I just need a push to get me going.

Monday, August 17, 2020

Wish me luck (on the verge of a COVID semester)

 

 

 I took a break from this journal yesterday because the beginning of the semester is fast approaching. I got up early this morning fretting about some bit of paperwork I needed to get in before 10 today, and I will spend the morning doing some last minute magic to my course sites. We will be meeting in a blended format, so I will have classes each class day that will keep me in contact with students.

I'm ready. I'm not ready. I'm as ready as I'm going to be. I never feel ready; I just have to plunge in and deal with putting out fires as I go. Like my usual semesters, except with masks, hand sanitizer, appointment-only office hours, surface disinfectant, and the possibility of students bouncing in and out of class as they get sick. No worries.

 This is going to be a hard semester. This will not be business as usual, and I've been so stressed for so long already it feels normal. I don't know what this semester will bring. 

 Wish me luck.

 


Saturday, August 15, 2020

With people, there's always hope

 

 

I just got to the Board Game Cafe, and already I've advised an incoming freshman and their mom about some of the features of Maryville. Life is starting to feel back to normal with just that little thing.

We're practicing social distancing here, and mask wearing (there's an ordinance in Maryville). 

 There are two girls (probably high schoolers) playing a complex game at one table, and occasional people looking for coffee. 

As for me, I'm writing this blog, and afterward, I'm going to transcribe some of my pen and paper notes and see if I've gotten any further with Gaia's Hands. 

 Maybe there is hope, even though I feel like I have to scream through my mask to be heard, and I don't know if I'll get sick, and I don't know if this pandemic will ever end. But there are still people, and with people there's always hope. 

Friday, August 14, 2020

The COVID teaching year

 

And now it begins ... fall semester under COVID.

I have two meetings today, one over ZOOM and the other socially distanced.  I'll have one more socially distanced meeting on Monday, and then classes (my new hybrid method) will start next Wednesday.

 I don't know if I'm ready for this. I will make sure I mask well and use my ethyl alcohol spray and wipe down the tables and meet students over ZOOM unless and until my students all get sick.

I'm usually excited about the beginning of the school year, but there doesn't seem like there's much to get excited about. Apprehensive is the better adjective. 

I need to make new rituals to replace the anchoring of the new school year. I didn't know how much I needed them until they were gone. The beginning of the year picnic, gathering for refreshments before the big meeting, Convocation. The new wardrobe. 

What shall I do? Break in the video camera and microphone? Bring in a stuffed toy? (No, my colleagues won't take that well) Wear my Bub mask? YES! 

 If I can keep my sense of humor, I think I'll get through this.

Thursday, August 13, 2020

I got my computer back!

 

 

 Finally got my computer replaced.

I updated the system and it didn't break. 

All my programs work.

I guess miracles do happen :P

********

My preferred computer is a Microsoft Surface Book because it can go with me pretty much anywhere, and it has a hard keyboard (as opposed to the Surface Pro, which doesn't work well on one's lap). 

I have a computer I used when mine was in the shop, and it's a monster of a Dell gaming machine. It's impossible to carry around, and there's a glitch in the sound now for no apparent reason. I got it for graphics, which I explore at times; ironically the new Surface Book for Business with its small form factor outperforms the behemoth in graphics. So all I need is about $2k to upgrade for both. No problem, right? (HA!)

I have my favorite computer back, and it's good enough. Plenty good enough!

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Odds and Ends today



 First off, my newly published story "Come to Realize" can be found here. Honestly, I didn't know the story would be considered humor! 

Second, I just got back from ten minutes (that's all I can do right now) walking the track. I have runner's high and I didn't even run! (I think it's called hypoxia). 

The big thing, though, is that I'm still working on getting more racial/ethnic equality in my writing. I've completed two stories; I'm down to one story, Prodigies. I feel a bit uneasy making these corrections, afraid they're going to be considered clunky (although they're just like the ones that describe Black skin color). I decided that my discomfort was part of the problem -- the subconscious ruling that white people are the "default". I have one book left to do, and the irony level is that the book was written by the viewpoint of a multiracial narrator, and still assumes whites as default.

Anything I can do to make the world richer, I will do.

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Decentering Whiteness in my Writing

 I read an important tip on Twitter last night that's transforming my writing: If you're going to describe skin tone on people of color, you need to do the same for white characters.

It's a simple, but revolutionary thing -- I have been making the assumption that I don't have to describe white people because it's assumed that white is the default. I didn't even do this consciously.

One could rationalize making white the default through statistics -- Most Americans are white, therefore. But that's doing a disservice to people of color, who still make a significant number of people in the world.

Worse, specifying skin tone for non-whites -- Blacks, Latinos, Asians, Native Americans -- while ignoring it for whites signals that minorities are "other", not of the group, something to be stared at.

So I'm making a point to go back into my writing and add descriptors of white skin. It has felt very strange, which is part of why I should be doing it. 

I have gone through one of my finished books and today I will do the other two. And then I will feel like I have done the right thing by my readers.

Monday, August 10, 2020

Musings about my social media

 My schedule is going to change drastically this week. Wednesday I start early walking (5:45) to start toward losing some of this COVID weight, and Friday is when I set foot on campus for the first time since March. 

This means I will not be writing this blog in the mornings; yet, morning is the best time to capture readers. I have decided that I will write in the afternoon or evening and post my links (Twitter, Facebook, Instagram) the next morning using Hootsuite. 

Speaking of, do I have any readers out there who have better luck with social media than I do? On one hand, I have 4400 followers on Twitter. On the other hand, I have about 25 readers a day on this blog. What do I need to be doing with this blog?

Oh, yes, apropos of nothing, here is the latest picture of Chloe:



Sunday, August 9, 2020

Free-writing Jeanne and Josh again



I think I will free-write today and try to get somewhere with my book. Sitting and staring at the computer won't work.

I wish I could write in my room -- the atmosphere is better. Except for the little demon who tries to chew on my fountain pen as I write. My fountain pens are relatively inexpensive, but they're not Bic stick pens (Biros for my British friends). I'd rather they not have little tooth marks in my pens.

So I will be writing pen and paper in the living room, exploring specifically Jeanne and Josh's relationship. For review:

  • Jeanne is a 45-year-old botanist whose insistence on logic hides a green thumb -- an observable ability to make plants grow. If any hint of that reaches the academic community, her research on domesticating a perennial bean will be discredited. But a memory awakens in her, one in which she is called to create garden oases.
  • Josh is a 25-year-old writing instructor. He is immersed in a spiritual world through his belief in Shinto and his aikido. His visions tell him that Jeanne must become the keeper of a great garden. But he's afraid to tell the logical Jeanne about his spiritual life because he's afraid she's going to reject him.
I've been fighting one plot point for ages: The fact that there doesn't seem to be reciprocity between Jeanne and Josh. I've come to the point that, early on, Jeanne doesn't even think it's possible for them to be a couple. He's too young, she thinks, and would not be attracted to her. Meanwhile, Josh is struggling with his fear of rejection. A twenty-five year old whose reality is fluid might well fear this.

I love Jeanne and Josh as characters, and even better as a couple, because they subvert the whole romance thing. He is younger, more expressive, lightly built (don't blame me; I'm attracted to men like that). Jeanne is ample, very instrumental (in the sense of making things happen).

There's so much to carry here, I feel like I'm juggling cats. But rather than structure at this point, I think I need to free-write because I'm making no progress composing within the outline.

Saturday, August 8, 2020

A Small Accomplishment (and some Midwestern Female Syndrome)



Yesterday, a little bit of networking paid off.

I participated in a writers' chat on Zoom headed by Debbi Voisey, a writer from England, about publishing tips. One of the topics was publishing in literary journals, and on the panel was Shawn Berman, the editor of an online journal, The Daily Drunk.

When he explained that the journal picked items that were "humorous and quirky", I realized that I had a piece that might be what he was looking for*, Come to Realize. I don't write humor much, but a story about a vampire in a Narcotics Anonymous meeting seemed like it might fit the bill. And, apparently it did, because it's getting published next week. 

At less than a thousand words, Come to Realize is flash fic. I seem to have a little luck in flash fiction and short stories and poetry**, and less luck in the novel category. I suspect this is because of marketability instead of skill. It might be that my quirk is more welcome in small, non-lucrative presses than in the big money-making ventures. 

This might push me toward self-publishing, because I don't think my stories are what mainstream fantasy expects. The tropes are not obvious -- there are no elves, alternative worlds (well not much, anyhow)  I don't want to write to the trends (which always change anyhow). 

*******

* Midwestern Female Syndrome entails the inner desire to be perfect with external behaviors of self-deprecation and overly qualified statements. Here is an example. In reality, I have been published eight times, not counting the two slop journals publishing everything right and left to make money off of selling copies of the journal.

** Here is another example of Midwestern Female Syndrome. It seems us Midwestern women are always striving to look mediocre.


Friday, August 7, 2020

The Rosetta Stone of my Memory



The things I remember from my past are little clips of little consequence:
 
My first memory is sitting on a couch right in front of the window. It's dark in the room because there are midnight blue blackout curtains on the window. Midnight blue with slubs of red. My dad keeps peering through the window. Only the grey of dawn peaks through the curtains. I think I was two.

After we moved into a house, the neighbor boys gleefully stomp up our attic stairs looking for treasure. My sister and I trudge up after them, having never been in the attic with its 50-plus years of coal dust sifting from the crawl space. My bare feet grow very dirty. I believe I was seven.

Many, many evenings, my parents play bridge in the kitchen with Mom's cousin Dale and his friend Kenny. My sister and I are on orders not to disturb them, but I don't listen as well as I should. I liked my cousin Dale and his friend Kenny too much to stay away for long. I could have been six, or seven, or nine.

At the Brookfield Zoo, I really wanted to see the snakes. I had read about them, and I wanted to see if they were as terrible as I thought. My parents decide to wait till last to see the snakes, and by then I am so tired and crabby we end up going home before seeing them. Everyone blames me. I was four at the time.

One glorious afternoon, I swing on a swing at the local park, waiting for my mother. The sunshine enchants me, and although my fellow day campers taunt me for singing at the top of my lungs, it doesn't bother me, because the sky sparkles. I was ten.

These memories fall out when I tug on one of them. The first memory stays with me without provocation like a stone in my pocket, as if it was a mini Rosetta Stone of my memory. The memory itself is so small, with no particular evocation of its own rather than waiting for something. 

Perhaps I was waiting for the rest of my life.

Thursday, August 6, 2020

Rest in Peace, Daisy Coleman




I didn't know Daisy Coleman, even though she lived in my town nine years ago, because I don't have children and thus was not privy to high school culture. Then news had broken out that she had sneaked out to a high school party here in Maryville, been given a large amount of alcohol to drink, and was raped by one or more of the male partygoers while in a stupor.

I believed Daisy Coleman (and still do). I believe that she intended to be around popular boys, perhaps for social cachet, perhaps because one of the boys "liked" her. Sneaking out to stay up until the wee hours, even to drink, makes her not that unusual -- there were several teens drinking in the barn of one of the boys' parents.

But many in our community didn't see it that way. The boys in question were on sports teams, and many in the schools championed the rapists. The sheriff and prosecutor did not see any way to prosecute the boys because Daisy was drunk. (The fact that the boys were also drunk somehow shielded them.) Many in the town defended the main suspect, who came from good family and whose grandfather was a legislator. So Daisy faced not only the trauma of rape, but harassment and lack of justice.

I, a survivor of rape myself, felt triggered by the series of events, especially the lack of justice. When I was raped in junior high in a different town, one year younger than Daisy, I decided to say nothing, not even to my parents, because I had spent years being badly harassed in the school district and I suspected how much worse it could get. I instead dissociated and made the memory go away. Living in Maryville, though, brought it back. And made me wary of a town that could behave without compassion.

I wish I could tell you that Daisy overcame the rape. However, Daisy Coleman died Tuesday night of suicide, 9 years after the rape occured. Maryville has blood on its hands, and no amount of Chamber of Commerce promotion is going to wash it off. 


Rest in Peace, Daisy.

If there was justice, the rapists would dream every night of being stabbed in the genitals. The people who taunted her would dream of being doxxed. I know personally there is not justice, and it makes me angry.



Here's the news article



Tuesday, August 4, 2020

'tis a gift to be simple



I had this old song, beloved by Quakers, in my head:

'Tis a gift to be simple
'tis a gift to be free
'tis a gift to come down
where we want to be
And when we come down
in a place just right
it will be in the valley
of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gained,
to bow and to bend we will not be ashamed
To turn, to turn, will be our delight
till by turning, turning, we come round right.

**********
But what does that mean?

Simplicity is one of the tenets of Quaker (Friends) belief. The belief is that, if we keep our lives simple enough, we may hear the divine in the silence. We may clear away the clutter to find what's essential. We may find that we feel better living right-sized instead of large. We may see ourselves as a part of the world rather than centering it on ourselves.

The song is comforting. I still keep my life a little too complex, although COVID has pared back some of that. I still fault myself for not being in the place I want to be (with some renown), but perhaps I'm in the place I should be. 

Monday, August 3, 2020

Wish List



I've been writing too much about kittens. And COVID. And quarantine. That's probably been because that's been my life, in a summer bereft of traveling, going out for coffee, and ...

Today, I'm putting my wish list out here for the universe to peruse:

  • A spa day at The Elms where I can spend all day in the Grotto running between the steam room, the sauna, and cold showers. Lounge on one of their beach chairs with a cool, minty fresh washcloth.
  • Getting motivated with my writing.
  • Getting my nails done. I have managed to grow them out and not bite them, and I want fancy color.
  • A trip to Champaign-Urbana to visit my friends. I know they're COVID-negative but I don't know if I will be after the 19th.
  • At least one of my novels (there's currently three full ones plus the one or two I have to seriously edit) getting published by traditional press. 
  • Initiative to get back on a diet
  • Getting one of my short pieces (poetry, fiction, flash fiction) published by a journal
  • Getting my Surface Book replaced (this will happen soon)
I think that's enough for now.

Sunday, August 2, 2020

Sleepy Sunday



It's Sunday morning, and I slept in really late.

I need to get back into writing, in-between making a sourdough rye bread and spoiling one little kitty. If I can wake up. 

The coffee is on its way. It's a commercial coffee from a small mill instead of our usual home-roasted. It will wake me up just as well. Hopefully.

Me-Me and Girly-Girl are teaming up on my while I write. Me-Me thinks I'm not clean enough. Girly-Girl just wants attention.

Richard will brine and smoke salmon this afternoon. I want him to make a cream sauce and serve them over sourdough waffles for dinner if he's feeling adventurous.

This is my Sunday. If I could only wake up ...

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Life with Chloe

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, we acquired a 8-week-old kitten who we named Chloe. This is a recent picture of Chloe:


Ok, that wasn't such a good picture of her.  How about this?


Ok, so she doesn't pose well for pictures.

Chloe is a mixture of sweet and spicy -- she curls up with me at night, right before springing over me and attacking my foot. Her acceleration rate far surpasses mine, and she can jump eight inches straight in the air. She licks my face, then nips my nose.

I'm her favorite, but only because she's quarantining in my room until we can acquaint her with the other cats. So I am the source of food and pettings. 

Yes, the other cats are jealous -- not so much of the cat, but because they want kitten food too. Given the extra calorie punch of kitten kibble, of course the cats want to eat the kitten food. When one (usually Me-Me) finds their way in, I have to hide the food dish until they leave.

Me-Me and Chloe stalk each other. Today I watched Me-Me sneak up to Chloe until she had Chloe literally pinned up against her cardboard carrier. Then, as Me-Me walked off, Chloe started stalking her. 

Someday Chloe will be a full grown cat, without so many of the charming kitten antics. But I'm sure she will be as magnificent and quirky as she was as a kitten.